Ocean's 12

Ocean’s 12 is cinema as glossy magazine collage. The pictures are shiny and pretty and arranged in a hip, stylish mosaic of gorgeous people in pretty clothes draped by vivid, exotic locations. Scatter in photo captions that toss off quips that are intended to be dryly amusing and attempt to link everything narratively, and--presto--you have Ocean’s 12, popping into the lounge to down a dry martini and toss out some forgettable prattle.

Not that it’s an unpleasant experience per se. It’s just like being in the company of a vain, self-consciously hip lounge lizard with all the depth of a Petri-dish. The occasional guffaw-inducing witticism doesn’t disguise the fact that the film is a bloated, insufferable bore that avoids any connection with not only the ‘real world,’ but with anything remotely resembling an involving narrative or engrossing characters.

I won’t bore you with a detailed recital of the plot. It’s some nonsensical babble about Benedict (Andy Garcia) demanding repayment by Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and his gang of thieves of the money they stole from his Las Vegas casino in the first film (at least I think that happened in the first film; it has evaporated from my mind). Their attempts to find a score that pays enough for the repayment leads them afoul of a master thief (Vincent Cassel). Nothing happens of any great interest, really, and this nothing happens to people we couldn’t give a toss about. A long menu of Hollywood stars, plus a surprise cameo by, uh, a Hollywood star, barely raises the eyelids. As in math, nothing times nothing equals, well, nothing.

Director Steven Soderbergh gives us a stylishly good-looking nothing though. Why, for instance, flash the subtitle “Amsterdam” across the screen when you can flash it one letter at a time, with each letter over a different location in Amsterdam. Hey, that’s hip and cool and dryly interesting, right? Huh? Sorry, what was that? Excuse me, I nodded off for a while.

A solipsistic little puff of wind, Ocean’s 12 gives the impression that the stars and filmmakers wanted a bit of a holiday lark in some flashy European locations so they cooked up the idea for this film. Unfortunately, the joke’s on the audience.

Ocean’s 12 is available on DVD. You have been warned.

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Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Written by George Nolfi, based on characters created by George Clayton Johnson & Jack Golden Russell

Starring:
Brad Pitt....Rusty Ryan
Catherine Zeta-Jones....Isabel Lahiri
George Clooney....Danny Ocean
Julia Roberts....Tess Ocean
Andy Garcia....Terry Benedict
Bernie Mac....Frank Catton
Don Cheadle....Basher Tarr
Matt Damon....Linus Caldwell
Elliott Gould....Reuben Tishkoff
Robbie Coltrane....Matsui
Jeroen Krabbé....van der Woude
Vincent Cassel....François Toulour
Eddie Izzard....Roman Nagel