In a Nutshell: Elektra (2005)

I'm trying to find the right phrase, but why bother. To put it bluntly, Elektra (2005) is utter crap. Jennifer Garner stars as our martial-arts trained superheroine who kicks butt in hot outfits while an offscreen fan blows her hair seductively, as if Jenn was doing a commercial for Elektra Shampoo and Conditioner. Elektra, you may recall, was featured in Daredevil, and this film sets about the job of lowering the bar further than its predecessor with admirable dedication.

With the standard set very high for comic book adaptations by the superb Batman Begins, the simple-minded, nonsensical cotton candy of Elektra falls completely flat. When you roll your eyes at the very first line of the film--narrator Terrence Stamp somberly intones "There is an eternal battle between good and evil..."--you know you're in trouble.

An anti-teleological curry of recycled leftovers, this mediocre lump isn't even good for laughs. The plot makes little sense, and if you started to pick holes in the film, you'd be left with a few scraps of Swiss cheese. Here’s a few things I learned from Elektra:

1) A supernaturally-invulnerable muscle man can be killed by a falling tree.

2) Flying daggers can plow through hedges with no discernable loss of vector or momentum.

3) Assassins from the ‘Order of the Hand’ are in fact replicants that contain yellow powder. Or they are demons made from yellow smoke. Or something.

4) Being forced to tread water without using your hands as a child turns you into a hired killer with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

5) Yes, it is possible to make a comic-book film that makes X-Men: The Last Stand look like quality cinema.

To paraphrase Monty Python, this isn't a film for enjoying; it's a film for lying down and avoiding.